@pourmecoffee: I Do Not Argue on the Internet (the fine print)

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Dear NEWSgrist readers,

I am an amused diehard follower of @POURMECOFFEE on twitter [also to be found on posterous].

I am re-blogging these fine print points for your dire amusement; also, it represents the sentiments of NEWSgrist to the letter. Even if *do* get tempted sometimes :-)

first posted on may 19, 2009 by pourmecoffee:

Fine Print / Canned Responses for @pourmecoffee

Below is the @pourmecoffee fine print and master inventory of canned responses for online dispute resolution. Numbers are for reference only.

1. It is solely your responsibility to find the hilarity. No humor explanations.
2. Please tell me more about how I might use my time and talent to perfectly match your unique sensibilities!
3. I accept my (moral) (intellectual) (physical) inferiority.
4. I acknowledge your (clever) (devastating) (hilarious) insult.
5. I applaud your attempt to improve upon my original idea (from an opposing ideological view) (with a slightly different twist).
6. I stipulate that you are a very big deal online.
7. I acknowledge your more (nuanced) (intellectually rigorous) (fancy-sounding) take on my short, humorous tweet.
8. I understand you are going to (block) (unfollow) (block/unfollow) me for righteous reasons.
9. I recognize the unfathomable injustice of my insignificant voice drowning out the singular wisdom of yours.
10. Thank you for praying for me.
11. I accept that my (candidate) (idea) (team) lost a contested outcome which you now assert as complete vindication of your superiority over me.
12. Thank you for the correction of a trivial (spelling) (grammatical) (typing) (semantic) error.
13. I ackowledge your extrapolation of what you personally find humorous into a blanket judgment of objective comedic value.
14. I confess to the exaggeration you identified. This technique is sometimes used in humor.
15. I acknowledge that you tweeted/blogged the same or similar thing before me. Time constraints make it difficult for me to double-check the entire Internet before publishing. I don't knowingly steal stuff ever, period. 
16. I accept your (delcaration of victory) (accusation of cowardice) over my refusal to (engage) (debate) (argue) with you.
17. I block based on @replies I don't like. It's not that I care who reads my tweets; I just have no patience for conflict junkies or vulgar/annoying messages polluting my stream. It's purely selfish: I don't like to be insulted. This is a personal account. You're not paying for it. Shocking: I don't like to get hassled, and block to avoid getting trolled. I'm not the guy to satisfy your need for epic battles or flame wars. There are plenty of people itching for a fight, just not me.
18. I don't reply a lot, but I only have so much Twitter time and believe the best contribution I can make is to attempt some smart, funny and/or interesting original content -- so that's what I try to do. I appreciate all retweets and mentions, but If you are into keeping score, demanding interaction, insisting on help for your cause, negotiating mentions and such -- this is probably not the feed for you. I want to focus my energy on trying to do something well: creating an original funny and/or interesting feed while being highly disciplined about the uncompensated time I spend online. If you don't like that, unfollow. I don't want to defend or discuss it. 
19. I sense my writing displeases you. I suggest not reading it.

RULE #1:

What to do if you are still unsatisfied: http://j.mp/pmcbye.

This post is merely an inventory of boilerplate conflict responses. Writing @pourmecoffee is fun.